Warm. Deep. Bright.

I am not a writer. I am a talker. I'm not a blogger; I think that makes me a "vlogger". Does that exist? I love to have an outline of bullet points and then improvise! I love teaching for this reason. Give me a concept, objective, or learning target and let me ride the wave! Give me an idea, a vision, a point of interest; I'm in heaven. Being scripted always stresses me out. I've decided this blog will be hard because I have a lot to say, but I want to SAY it, not write it.

I'm reading Philip Yancey's, "Where is God When It Hurts?" http://www.amazon.com/Where-Is-God-When-Hurts/dp/0310214378. As I read last night about Sandy Hook, I wept. I just can't envision myself in the midst of grief. I have a deep desire to understand, but then a deep fear of understanding. I know I can't manufacture grief to develop empathy, so what can I do? How can I develop empathy? I don't want to experience grief, but I know it will come at some point me my life. I am scared of experiencing grief. I fear those I love experiencing grief. I fear not being able to love someone in grief appropriately. As I read about tragedy after tragedy in this book, I feel called to seek God and beg for Him to deepen my faith. Only through anchoring myself in Him by faith will I withstand the storm when (not if) it comes.

The theme of the sermon this morning was: warmer, deeper, brighter. I know this is way random, but in hearing this sermon (which was a New Year anchor) I am confident I will not direct another musical in the near future. Whether to direct or not direct another musical is something I have been wrestling with over my winter vacation. I want so badly to provide positive educational opportunities for my students to experience. However "good" intentioned this is, these experiences I seek to provide are simply that . . . good. They aren't GREAT, just good. There are so many positive outcomes for students who participate in these opportunities, but I simply cannot sacrifice what I would need to sacrifice to make it happen. I cannot sacrifice being whole. I cannot sacrifice my sanity. I cannot sacrifice my state of mind and being mentally absent from my family. AND, I do not feel called to do so. I wish I had the mental stamina and compartmentalization needed to make it happen, but I don't. I have been grounded by my desire to be whole and bring wholeness to my community. I could direct musicals, giving students "experiences" they will not forget, all the while being so distracted with "the work" I don't connect with the people involved (let alone my family). I can "experience" a hundred and one acquaintances with relationships an inch deep, or provide fewer "experiences" for others and nurture warm, deep, and bright relationships with a few. For now, the answer is clear. No. No. No.

Investing in the community. Changing the world. My mind whirls with excitement, inspiration, passion, ideas. BUT, investing in the community . . . changing the world . . .  It starts in my home with my most intimate relationships . . . my husband, my children. Then it extends to other important relationships . . . my parents, my sister, my grandfather, my cousins, my close friends. I want to be a whole person so I can love my circle of peeps . . . family and friends. I want to provide, cultivate, and nurture space for connection between the humans in my life, but I must fiercely protect that space in my heart, mind, and soul because that's where it starts. I want the love of Jesus and the Gospel to shine brightly in my sphere of influence. There is nothing I can do but trust in my Lord Jesus. God, hear my prayer!