Music, music, MUSIC!

OMEA conference! I am happy to report I have spent the past few days at the OMEA conference in Eugene, Oregon. This conference is bittersweet! Though I find myself confronted with all that I hold dear, I find myself confronted with all I hate! A heap of conflicting emotions . . . EVERY year! I love that I am a music educator, but I love that I am an EDUCATOR even more. I am challenged to move to next level as a teacher. I fight my gifts; I wish I had other gifts. I am NO musician, but I am an educator who believes in the inherent value of music and what it offers to children. As a leader, a communicator, a connector of people, I am reminded of how much I love my community . . . my tribe. The passion overwhelms me; I want to run, but I must embrace it. I must move forward. I must connect my people to the music. I must keep fighting the good fight. I must be crazy enough to believe I can make a difference. I must keep invested in my community. I must resist cynicism and passivity. I must confront my demons and fear. I am grateful to have the opportunity. Just an ordinary, average girl . . . not too good, not too bad. I guess that makes me "just right" for the job.

Flee

Indulgence leads to more indulgence. When lusts are fed, they want more; they are like vacuums. There is no end to the blackhole of lusts indulged. The deeper and longer ... the stronger. Only decay remains in the wake of the destruction. Watch out, lest you be destroyed! Open your eyes. Turn. Face the light. Flee from the darkness! 

Pearls

Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. Matthew 7:6

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don't they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don't have, so you scheme and  kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can't get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don't have what you want because you don't ask God for it. James 4:1-2

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7

Warm. Deep. Bright.

I am not a writer. I am a talker. I'm not a blogger; I think that makes me a "vlogger". Does that exist? I love to have an outline of bullet points and then improvise! I love teaching for this reason. Give me a concept, objective, or learning target and let me ride the wave! Give me an idea, a vision, a point of interest; I'm in heaven. Being scripted always stresses me out. I've decided this blog will be hard because I have a lot to say, but I want to SAY it, not write it.

I'm reading Philip Yancey's, "Where is God When It Hurts?" http://www.amazon.com/Where-Is-God-When-Hurts/dp/0310214378. As I read last night about Sandy Hook, I wept. I just can't envision myself in the midst of grief. I have a deep desire to understand, but then a deep fear of understanding. I know I can't manufacture grief to develop empathy, so what can I do? How can I develop empathy? I don't want to experience grief, but I know it will come at some point me my life. I am scared of experiencing grief. I fear those I love experiencing grief. I fear not being able to love someone in grief appropriately. As I read about tragedy after tragedy in this book, I feel called to seek God and beg for Him to deepen my faith. Only through anchoring myself in Him by faith will I withstand the storm when (not if) it comes.

The theme of the sermon this morning was: warmer, deeper, brighter. I know this is way random, but in hearing this sermon (which was a New Year anchor) I am confident I will not direct another musical in the near future. Whether to direct or not direct another musical is something I have been wrestling with over my winter vacation. I want so badly to provide positive educational opportunities for my students to experience. However "good" intentioned this is, these experiences I seek to provide are simply that . . . good. They aren't GREAT, just good. There are so many positive outcomes for students who participate in these opportunities, but I simply cannot sacrifice what I would need to sacrifice to make it happen. I cannot sacrifice being whole. I cannot sacrifice my sanity. I cannot sacrifice my state of mind and being mentally absent from my family. AND, I do not feel called to do so. I wish I had the mental stamina and compartmentalization needed to make it happen, but I don't. I have been grounded by my desire to be whole and bring wholeness to my community. I could direct musicals, giving students "experiences" they will not forget, all the while being so distracted with "the work" I don't connect with the people involved (let alone my family). I can "experience" a hundred and one acquaintances with relationships an inch deep, or provide fewer "experiences" for others and nurture warm, deep, and bright relationships with a few. For now, the answer is clear. No. No. No.

Investing in the community. Changing the world. My mind whirls with excitement, inspiration, passion, ideas. BUT, investing in the community . . . changing the world . . .  It starts in my home with my most intimate relationships . . . my husband, my children. Then it extends to other important relationships . . . my parents, my sister, my grandfather, my cousins, my close friends. I want to be a whole person so I can love my circle of peeps . . . family and friends. I want to provide, cultivate, and nurture space for connection between the humans in my life, but I must fiercely protect that space in my heart, mind, and soul because that's where it starts. I want the love of Jesus and the Gospel to shine brightly in my sphere of influence. There is nothing I can do but trust in my Lord Jesus. God, hear my prayer!

Moving on . . .

Went to Portland today to get an estimate on overhauling my flute. Definitely not a cheap situation. I am in sticker shock, but feeling excited to be move forward with the process of getting the old girl sold. Watching her be "estimated" and listening to her warm sound as she was sized up, took me back a decade or so. It amazes me how many dysfunctional relationships I have participated in through my life; even my dear old flute was subjected to the incessant codependency!  I'm happy she will be enjoying the freedom and company of a new relationship. She deserves to be given love, not stowed away in the back of an underwear drawer. Bittersweet.

Speaking of codependency . . . I am on my 2nd read through a life changing book, "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life." http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454 I read it earlier this year and it completely turned my thinking right-side-up. In reading it again, I'm finding it is even more profound! I can't recommend this book enough!

Started watching Downton Abbey. I can see why it is popular; we are already hooked into the story after two episodes of the first season. I love period pieces, though it will be hard to top Breaking Bad.

A Resonant Storyline!

Today we watched Disney's FROZEN! I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I was pleasantly surprised! The music & storyline were resonant! Max & Mason stayed engaged throughout, even though it was a little more lengthy than the average Disney princess movie. How refreshing to have both "princess" characters be strong, independent, yet vulnerable, women finding "true love" in someone other than "Prince Charming". It was fun to have a little romantic "love" along the way, but it played a much smaller role in these characters adventures. Bravo!

I am loving our winter vacation right now! What a blessing to have rest and reprieve. Like FROZEN, my personal music & storyline is also resonant! I am refreshed, invigorated, and bursting with zeal to embark into 2014! I feel more comfortable in my skin than I have since I was 7 years old (the last time I can remember I was unapologetically. . .  me). Some resonant themes I hope will be in my storyline and on my soundtrack this year include . . . Freedom! For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. Galatians 5:1 & 13. Abide! Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. John 15:4. Faith! And Jesus said to him, "Go your way; your faith has made you well." And immediately he regained his sight and began following Him on the road. Mark 10:52. Love! Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

New Year's Day 2014!

Max wakes up to cuddle with mom on the couch and completes his morning "quiet time" watching/listening to his YouVersion Kids' Bible App. He loves plugging in his HERSEY headphones (a Christmas gift from Auntie Kaycie & Uncle) to listen to his daily devotionals. He has also learned to plug into the computer to visit his favorite websites including: ABCMouse.com, Starfall.com, & Tumblebooks.com. He even has his own account on our computer so he can "login" to his desktop. Max is beginning to read and write in school. He absolutely loves kindergarten and learning. He is super into Awana, where he is now a Sparky. This morning, while crunching on his Cinnamon Toast Crunch, he asks, "Mom, when I grow up will I marry you?" I respond, "Do you want to marry me?" "Yes! I want to marry you and nobody else! When I marry you, I will buy you roses, but you need to be careful for the pokey things so you don't get poked." With that, he finishes his breakfast and moves onto to building his daily electronic station (including 1/2 a dozen old house phones, cell phones, & handmade circuit board). I love this boy!

Our Masey Boy is ALL boy! He is our daredevil and our resident superhero! He is currently all about MARVEL comic superheroes & Disney Pixar! He loves to dress up, wrestle (or play rough), ride his bike, drive his motorized motorcycle and quad, race cars (both his own & with his dad), play ball (any ball game), swim, and watch cartoons! He isn't a wonderful eater, but does enjoy some exotic foods, like hummus. Mason likes people and having friends. Mason goes to preschool, speech class, and Cubbies; he is learning lots and enjoys the "social" aspect of school the most. He is friendly to all and like his brother, is FULL of personality. Both boys also love to laugh and make others laugh. Their sense of humor definitely comes from Lars! Mason is a ball of joy and love; he is a blessing to all who know him!

I'm looking forward to a great year! Happy 2014!